July

I figure that if I title a post "July" that follows a previous post entitled "June," my 0-3 readers won't notice that an entire year + 1 month, rather than simply 1 month, has elapsed since my last post.  But I guess this paragraph kind of ruined that whole plan, didn't it?  I've foiled my own undoing yet again.

I guess it would suffice to blame a new baby with a toddler already on hand for the blog-less year, but in truth it was an older family member's illness, combined with the time devoted to the kids, that pretty much completely took over my life from about the time of that last post until early this April, when my family member finally and rather suddenly recovered.  

I don't usually write plainly about very personal events in poems that I attempt to publish, but one of the poems that was just picked up by Ginosko for publication this Fall/Winter (yay!) does talk about this experience.  Caring emotionally for a very sick and very close family member, while also caring for a new baby and another very young child, was such an overwhelming experience that it's hard not to commemorate it in some way, because it really did alter my whole relationship with reality, in a way probably only surpassed by the birth of my children.  

Basically, life as I knew it in August 2012, before my daughter was born, is barely recognizable to me now.  I guess that's how it is with most parents.  And it's not like I hadn't heard that line before.  But if I'd listened enough to believe it, maybe I would have had kids earlier, so I could get on with this new phase of my life earlier.  Because, whatever its drawbacks, it's so much more, well, real.  And now that my "real life" is here, all I wish is that there were more of it left.  There's so much I want to learn and do, but not so much for myself anymore, to accumulate accomplishments, but instead out of some drive to participate in the world, a drive that's much stronger, for me, than the drive to achieve ever was.  I'm brimming with ideas, but my entire outlook has changed, and I'm not sure yet exactly what to do with them.  And the unfortunate thing is that, even though my outlook has changed, not every messed-up attribute and maladaptive behavior or cognition has fallen immediately into line.  What takes a lifetime to learn to do badly and view erroneously takes more than a few years to learn to do productively and in good health.  All the mindfulness training and life-affirming philosophy in the world won't work miracles.  During that "lost" year of being entirely engulfed in the role of a caretaker, I thought I had managed to make some kind of leap that would have been otherwise impossible, without that experience of almost losing myself, or my "self."  The last few months have reminded me, at times harshly, that I'm not there yet, not even close, really, but maybe closer than I was before, and I guess that's something.  So on, on.  My biggest challenge lately has been maintaining focus.  I have a billion things to read and find it difficult to get through more than a page of anything, and my memory is utter crap.  Lack of sleep is a big part of it, and I can try to blame the kids in part for that, but there's also the trap I've fallen into of overthinking everything except the things that could benefit from a little reflection. 

So, yeah, that bit of oversharing aside, there's the only real literary news I've had in quite a while, the two poems forthcoming in Ginosko, about which I'm pretty excited because they're poems I'm proud of; they came from an authentic place.  Now to try to find more of that, the poems and the authentic place.  More difficult than it sounds.

News, of Literary and Other Varieties

Despite spending a beautiful Christmas Day with family watching A. run around like an espresso-fueled elfling enjoying her first real holiday haul (we'll have to scale back next year so she doesn't start forming expectations of how much "stuff" she is entitled to...) I have still been fighting the winter blues as usual this season.  It's especially tough being stuck inside even on sunny days because it's like 20 degrees out... and not getting outside enough this summer to get my quota of Vitamin D probably didn't help, either.

I feel (more than) a little anxiety about baby #2's arrival this March.  (Did I mention this news here yet?)  He was a planned surprise, I guess, the surprise being how quickly he was conceived in comparison to his sister, despite the fact that I was only barely still in my 30s when he was conceived (and will no longer be in that demographic when he's born.)  So we were thrilled, but on the other hand, I'm also kind of freaked out about the prospect of raising an infant and a toddler all at once.  Our hunter-gatherer forebears apparently timed their births more like three or four years apart, and so did my mom, my immediate forebear, and I'm thinking they were all probably on to something with that plan... However, I got a much later start than any of my forebears did and so waiting that long wasn't an option, although both of my grandmothers did give birth to second and fourth children, respectively, at the age of 40, so maybe that should make me a little less nervous ... but I can't help but be a little worried about the birth, and the recovery, too.  When I was pregnant with A., I spent the entire third trimester in summertime, and although that meant my feet and nonexistent ankles resembled zeppelins, I was bathed in the optimism of summertime, a first-time prospective mother's excitement bred of blissful ignorance (despite the strong measure of realism that led me to delay this step for so long in the first place) and a relatively easygoing lifestyle.  Go to work, or -- toward the end -- work from home, eat, sleep, read, write, entertain myself on weekends and downtime in the same ways I had for most of my adult life (with the exception of alcoholic beverages.)  Now my life is radically changed -- in many ways, for the better.  I spend my days with a person I love more than I've loved anyone or even realized I could love anyone.  She makes me giddily, insanely happy just being her exuberant, affectionate little self.  And yet it's not an easy, stress-free life full of the sorts of things that used to make me feel productive or accomplished.  I neglect my writing for months at a time; Melusine issues lag; I can't even seem to keep up with posting baby photos on Facebook, much less socializing even as much as I used to before (which wasn't all that much.)  The house doesn't look much worse than it did before; in fact, with all the baby-proofing and reorganizing we've had to do, it probably looks a lot better, but it still isn't what I imagine most people's houses look like, and forget trying to cook healthy meals from scratch.  If I'm a housewife, I'm the worst one ever, a badge of shame as well as a measure of guilty pride, I guess.  When I spend time on one thing, like getting the house in order, another thing, like writing, languishes, and I'm not willing to give up on the writing.  I'm hoping that eventually my two contract editing gigs will earn me enough funds to hire a housecleaning service, but so far that's not been the case.

So that's what's been happening -- a much more confessional post than the vast majority of what I put up here, but what the hell; I may as well be honest.  And in the end, I still have no regrets; I just wish I had a lot more time, in the near-term and long-term sense of the word.

On to some poetry updates.  Well, for one thing, I actually wrote a poem!  I had checked my log on New Year's Day and realized I hadn't written anything in six months.  I've been polishing and sending my full-length manuscript out to contests, but I haven't been writing anything new.  So that morning while A. and her father were hanging out at the book store, I just sat down and typed up a poem.  It is a lot easier to write with six months' worth of unwritten poem juice brewing -- no need for writing exercises or my usual stream of consciousness tricks, and it wouldn't have mattered the subject; I was just ready to write something, good, bad or mediocre.

Secondly, I got a poem accepted in the Free State Review last month, which is exciting since it's been a while since I've had a poem in print (non-digitally.)  The issue will be out this summer.

Thirdly, I was included in the fun Tumblr blog Women Poets Wearing Sweatpants that ran briefly but memorably at the turn of the year.  I realize the impetus of the blog was a response to a feature story and I suppose there are politics surrounding that, but I'm not too interested in getting into the why of it all; I just think it was an awesome idea for a blog that took on a life of its own, and it was great to see that it touched a nerve among women writers, and maybe some guy writers, too, and made us all especially excited about what we do for a few weeks.  Poets don't always get moments like that, but I hope we see more of them this year.  Kudos to Becca Klaver for helming the project.

Finally, there's another belated Melusine issue to wrap up.  Fortunately, I'm not as far behind as I was last year at this time, when I should have just admitted that I had stacked my plate too high with giving birth in September and aiming for a new issue by the end of the year.  It seems like those two things should both be possible in a four-month period, and I'm sure there are others who could manage that, but then I'm not the most energetic person in the world, nor was I the most well-versed in the skills required for new motherhood coming into it, and then there's the fact that I have yet to recruit any kind of editorial staff for the journal.  I guess there's a bit of the control freak in me sometimes, but not the kind who wants to control anyone else, just the live-and-let-live kind of freak.  But sometimes it's good to admit I could use a hand with something.  On the motherhood front, baby #2 is probably going to remind me daily of that fine point as well.

Here's to more poetry (of all kinds) in the new year.  I'll raise my insulated paper cup of half-caff with milk & cocoa to that.

What I've Been Doing Lately

1. Taking care of the baby.
2. Taking care of the baby and going a little stir-crazy, although still crazy about the baby... It will get easier in the spring, or so I'm telling myself.
3. Had a poem accepted for the next issue of Ghost Ocean Magazine, which was awesome news.
4. Wrote two poems today, which, believe me, is not normal for the past six months.  But I've written five poems since the baby was born, which is more than I expected to write.
5. Considering submitting to a chapbook contest -- kind of last-minute, as I wasn't sure I had enough poems for a second chapbook and was just going to focus on the full-length manuscript, but I think I actually might, so why not?
6. Working on the Spring, formerly Winter, formerly Fall/Winter issue of Melusine, which is now slated for [redacted rather than revised due to a bad track record in predicting launch dates ;]  But the issue is coming along, little by little...

Poems Accepted for New Anthology

I just learned that four of my poems were accepted for the Reckless Writing anthology.  I'm not sure if that means they seem to have been written recklessly or with reckless abandon (well, either way, it's probably a good thing for me, if I've been found erring on the side of caution and hermeticism in the past.)

In other news, baby is swiftly on her way into our world.  This time next week, I will probably not be sitting at this computer, although I will no doubt have some kind of electronic device connected to the Internet close at hand, maybe even this laptop, although both I and the laptop will probably be found in a more babycentric location.  Seriously, though, I'm excited.  It takes a long time to grow a baby, but for the most part, it's been a fascinating ride.  But now my back hurts when I sit to type, and so I'm about ready for the next phase to begin, as crazy as it no doubt will be, and also no doubt fascinating.

Two Posts In One Week

This one is just a short note about something I was excited to learn, that a book review I wrote will be appearing in The Iowa Review's online series.  I am excited because it's a great journal and because, at the risk of sounding mercenary, as I'm not exactly flush with cash, the compensation they offer is welcome.  But I'll be even more honest and admit it's really more the idea of being compensated for a piece of literary writing than the check itself.  It just doesn't happen too often these days, and I can completely understand why.  We can't afford to pay at Melusine.  No independently funded small journals or presses can.  There was a time, oh so long ago, when all creative writers were paid for their words, and those times have been fading faster and faster.  I'm not really here to lament that fact.  As long as there are day jobs or university positions and writers' retreats/workshops/conferences or coffee shops, writers who want to write and need to write will find a way to write and earn a living as well — as long as there are people who read, even if those people are solely other writers.  But the people who read do have to continue to exist, in order for the writers to continue writing.  Long may they.  We, that is.

Another Month, Another Random Update...

So now it's October.  (I always feel proud when I manage at least one blog post a month.)  In lit news, I got word yesterday that one of my poems, published in an online issue earlier this year, will be featured in The Medulla Review's second print anthology -- good times! 

Before long, I'll need to start work on Melusine's first print edition -- kind of a daunting task, I must admit, since I haven't dealt with the offline printing process since my college's lit magazine, and that was not self-funded.  But it will be kind of exciting.  I'm looking forward to starting the selections at the beginning of the year -- the fun part.  The new online issue is slated for late November, which has been the pattern for the past few years.

In more monumental lit news, I was happy to hear that Tomas Transtromer got the Nobel.  Yes, he happens to be Swedish, but he's a hugely influential poet, not just in Sweden or in Europe but the world over, and has been for some time.  And the man is 80.  Now is the time.  He fully deserved it, and I think it was a good choice.

What a Weekend

I got some really wonderful news on Thursday.  My first print chapbook, Blue Trajectory, will be published by Dancing Girl Press as part of its 2011-12 series, with the date tentatively slated for this fall.

I am pretty excited about this, so excited in fact that I remained cheerful on Friday even upon learning that our furnace is broken and needs replacement, and that the replacement won't be arriving at our house until Monday.  After looking at the weather forecast, though, I started to get a bit apprehensive about my prospects of not freezing to death...

Well, before long, I was looking up pet-friendly hotels by the beach and was once again high on life until learning that the one with the jacuzzi was booked and the rest tended to be highly insect-infested, based on the consumer reviews.  I guess it wasn't surprising that hotels that allow pets have insects or that the only pet-friendly hotel in town with a jacuzzi was booked, given that there is a new casino complex opening in town this weekend.

However, my mood was restored when my partner exhibited his latent HVAC  prowess and came up with a temporary fix for the furnace that involved a little rigging and him keeping an eye on it for the few minutes that it's running.

So, all in all, things are well in my little world, although I was deeply saddened, not to mention freaked out and angry about the shooting incident in Arizona yesterday... another reminder that the polarizing, incendiary political language is damaging our country.  Sure, the guy is obviously a deranged individual. But it's not enough just to say that.  He is a deranged individual in the context of Arizona circa 2011.  I hope what happened will make people come together to reflect, but in light of recent trends, I'm afraid that's not what will happen.  I really hope I'm wrong.

Poem Accepted in Tiger's Eye

I'm having one of those happy weeks that makes up for some of the dry spells, submission news-wise.  Today I got the great news that a poem of mine will appear in Tiger's Eye.


The good news is helping me stave off a post-Daylight Savings Time autumnal mood, although I know it's coming.  Every year I have to mourn that extra hour of daylight.  I think many of the trees, particularly the cherries, are still in peak color around here, yet there is that imperceptible feeling that Fall is on its way out, and it feels like I missed the precise moment/day, or week, even, when this happened.


It's like this every year, only more so each one, where I watch the maps on the weather forecast and chart the progress of color on the trees that line the road on my way into work each day.  For a long time it seems the peak hasn't quite arrived.  I try to keep my eyes peeled for it, and then at some point, out of the blue, I realize that it's already passed.  It's the same way with Spring, again with the cherry trees.  I'm starting to understand Japanese poetry better, the older I get.

UPDATE:  Tiger's Eye later contacted me about publishing four more of my poems, (so two in their upcoming issue and three in the next) which was certainly good news.  It's just always encouraging and inspiring when an editor or reader really connects with a batch of work.

Poem Accepted in BluePrintReview

I love this journal for the thoughtful way it marries words and images, and look forward to seeing a poem of mine there next month.  BPR has a great blog, too.

What else?  It's autumn... doing lots of autumn things this weekend:  making the annual batch of pumpkin soup out of the jack-o'-lantern; raking leaves and mourning the loss of color; drinking 1-3 hot beverages a day, mostly caffeinated; preparing for the end of Daylight Savings Time.  I loathe losing that extra hour of daylight, but at least it's compensated by an extra hour's sleep tomorrow morning, and since I work on Sundays, it's a very appreciated hour.  And then in the Spring, the price to pay for getting the hour back is lost sleep, but only for one night.  It seems sort of fair, as things go, and I like that.

Poem accepted in decomP

It seems that good news always comes on good days for me lately.  (As if I needed more incentive to aim for good days.)  So after an unseasonably chilly and drizzly week spent dealing with car repairs and other automotive crises, yesterday was a beautiful, warm October Saturday spent very pleasantly and capped off with an acceptance from decomP, a journal I feel really excited about appearing in, of a very recent poem.  It's always encouraging when a recent poem is accepted; it makes me feel like I'm not that far off-track, if at least some of what I'm doing is working.

P.S.  On the topic of work, it's occurred to me now and then that I should put more work into this blog, update it on occasions other than acceptances, publications, and Melusine-related stuff.  I used to keep other personal blogs and I've been slow about adapting this one for that use... what to say and what to spare the reader?  After all, there is Facebook, which I've been stubbornly reluctant to link up with my personal lit-world... pondering how everything fits in the scheme of things.  But more blogging-type blogging may be forthcoming... or not... still pondering.

Poem Accepted in Spilt Milk

I like the whole whimsical aesthetic of this U.K.-based online journal, Spilt Milk Mag, and am looking forward to the next issue which will happily contain a poem of mine.

Poems Accepted in Arsenic Lobster

I'm thrilled that three poems of mine will be appearing in next Spring's Arsenic Lobster, that great online journal with the awesome name.

Poem Accepted in Gargoyle

How can I not be excited about a poem appearing in Gargoyle? It's such a great journal that's been around for such a long time, based right here in DC.
And the editor was so generous in giving me a chance to rehab a few lines that were ruining the poem for him, that I have to admit he was spot-on about. As an editor now myself, I have a sense of just how generous it is to take the time to work with people when you're going through as many submissions as they're getting over there (a bit more than we've been getting -- but give us another 26 years ;)
The poem will be appearing in the issue coming out next summer.

Soon...

Most of my favorite journals are online these days, and one of the very best is the long-running lit mag (13 years is worth decades in Web years) elimae. I so very much wanted to be published in that mag, so imagine my joy when I got the news this weekend that one of my poems will be appearing there in just two short weeks. A poet's life is full of delayed gratification, so having only a fortnight's wait is actually quite a treat.
In other news, working to get Melusine out by the end of the month. Will post the new link here once it's ready for prime time.

Happy News...

... from the editors of blossombones: 12 poems of mine will be featured in their fall special series of e-chapbooks by women poets. Very exciting! The series will be appearing later this fall.
And that was a great way to break my sort of dry spell lately. I guess, earlier this year, I'd gotten into the habit of submitting the wrong poems to the wrong places (for me) and hopefully this is the beginning of evidence that I've been reversing that trend in my more recent submissions.
In other news, this is my final semester in the M.A. program! Three decades of schooling are nearly at an end. And I'm serious this time. No Ph.D. for me (at least not in the foreseeable future -- never say never, I suppose ;)
So I just found out after my first thesis class last week that the first draft of my thesis is due next Wednesday, plus my submission to the class journal. And of course this is the week I've been under the weather and required to fill in at work through half my weekend. Needless to say, I am a busy, tired girl. But a happy one. As much as I generally dislike formatting documents in accordance with style guides, when it comes to the thesis, I'm actually enjoying it... well, I'm halfway done now, so we'll see if I still feel that way on Wednesday...
And Melusine is coming along very well. I'm just about to close submissions on the first issue and open them for the summer issue... just finalizing a few decisions. It's been such a fun project, but now I'll probably have to set it aside to pick up again after the semester's over. Then it will be consuming most of my attention until the debut issue comes out next March.
So, all in all, a good start to the fall season (my favorite part of the fall season, when technically, and meteorologically, it's still the summer.)

Poem accepted...

... to appear in Prick of the Spindle later this month.
This will be my fourth publication. Slowly but surely, right?

In any case, it's a happy start to the holiday season, a.k.a. the bleak midwinter. But bleakness outdoors just means more time huddled inside writing. As you can see, I'm making a valiant effort to keep a positive attitude in the face of my least favorite time of year.

And yet another semester's coming to an end. This has been a really great one. I needed one of those. The summer term workshop went pretty well, too, but after this Fall, I finally feel like I'll be ready for the thesis in a year's time. I'm starting to have enough decent stuff in my portfolio to work with that, even if writer's block struck toward the end, I'd be OK, with enough hearty revision. But of course, I have no intention of letting writer's block strike.